Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
