checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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