I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We had sex on a dog bed..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
