Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
