Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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