Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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