i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
