An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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