woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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