peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
