Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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