Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
