Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
