i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
