The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
