i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
