This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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