I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i think my cat just said my name.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
