So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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