Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
