So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
