bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
