ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
