My first STD was from a foam party
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
