i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
