i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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