Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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