i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
