I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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