There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
