There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
