My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
