ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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