Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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