I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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