I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize