I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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