I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
