hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
