making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
