I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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