the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
