The maid of honor just puked.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
