Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
