I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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