The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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