Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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