her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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