You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
