Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
