I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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