those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
