i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
